Vampires Suck

Director: ason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Marcelle Baer and Ken Jeong
Releasing in cinemas: 26 August 2010
Rated: M

Bram Stoker, creator of Dracula would not only turn in his grave but do an Irish jig if he saw this latest excursion into the territory of Nosferatu. No doubt Bram would also be amazed to find vampires have vastly increased their numbers in our population today. Vampires Suck is a camp spoof on the Twilight series of films, with some pointed barbs at those limp wrist vampires and a few splinters left to hit Alice In Wonderland, Kick Ass, True Blood and even Tiger Woods in the process.

The slapstick gags are reminiscent of the adolescent humour of Scary Movie - hardly surprising since it’s the same writer/director team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Gags are often telegraphed before the joke kicks in, but are hardly funny even for a teenage audience.

However if you’re one of the many familiar with the Twilight films you’ll find some of the lampooned scenes close to the bone and might raise a thin smile. Certainly poor Edward Cullen is sent up sans mercy - some may say that he deserves. It all boils down to the most basic satire, lacking any polish or sophistication whatever.

Sporks, a small town in Washington State, seems inhabited by some very suspect people. Angst ridden teenager Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) arrives with her Sheriff father to spend some quality time in the miserable surroundings. Lacking virtually all social graces, Becca soon runs into the weirdo Sullen clan at school.

Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) of the piled up hair ‘with real pale skin and that look of constipation’ takes a shine to Becca but tries to keep her at arms length, in case he’s driven to sink his teeth in her neck. Becca, equally enraptured, even pays a visit to Edward’s family, who could give the Addams household a few pointers. Becca’s enthusiasm for the undead is dampened somewhat when a nasty group of nomadic vampires get the scent of her blood and have little compunction drinking it.

Rather than fragmented targets of the Scary Movie ilk, the scenario mostly follows the plot of The Twilight Saga. The characters are easily recognizable, as are scenes like the three evil bloodsucking vampires attacking their victim.

Jenn Proske, in her first feature, mimics the frantic angst of Twilight’s Kristen Stewart with disturbing accuracy, while Matt Lanter does a passable job of ruining the operatic misery of Robert Pattinson. Otherwise the acting or dialogue doesn’t bear scrutiny here. It’s ground level at best. Direction is no better or worse than previous efforts from Friedberg and Seltzer: Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie etc.

The camping up of Jacob and the lycanthrope team in a dance to “It’s Raining Men” is the closest the film comes to ironic humour. Vampires Suck is strictly for those case-hardened fans of this ‘knock off’ movie series, which would be better employed on late night television than in the cinema. Harry Potter, be very afraid Friedberg and Seltzer don’t start on you.

John Bale