Legion

Director: Scott Stewart
Cast: Paul Bettany, Charles S. Dutton, Kevin Durand and Dennis Quaid
Releasing in cinemas: 3 June 2010
Rated: MA 15+

Add the firepower of Rambo to Angels in America with extras from Night of the Living Dead and you’ve got Legion. A voice-over introduction (that sounds drug-addled) tells us God is ‘tired of all the bullshit’ and instructs Archangel Gabriel to oversee the destruction of mankind. So we’re led into yet another apocalyptic world with lengthy biblical babble separating blood be-splattered action sequences. If that’s your bag, then read on.

In the beginning a super-hero stranger by the name of Michael (Paul Bettany) - a clue straight away - drops into Los Angeles and weapons up for the battle ahead to save the human race. Out in the Mojave Desert, there’s a ramshackle diner and petrol station run by stoic Bob Hanson (Dennis Quaid) and his partner Percy (Charles S. Dutton). Also present are Bob’s son Jeep (Lucas Black), a pregnant waitress Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), and a few desolate customers. The antique TV is playing up and there’s an ominous cloud of God’s wrath on the horizon; making it hard to recite ‘have a good day’ under the circumstances.

An elderly lady arrives and joins the solemn group. Up to this point, an amount of tension has built up and the film develops a smattering of interest. Then suddenly the old girl sports a set of chompers left over from True Blood, and scampers around the ceiling screaming words not usually associated with senior citizens. She’s truly an old lady from Hell, suggesting to the other shocked patrons all is not well in the world. This also had the effect of shattering any semblance of involvement I had in the movie.

About this stage Michael turns up with his armaments, so the little group of losers hole up in the diner to withstand the oncoming hordes of living dead sent to try them (a re-run of Indians circling the wagons). The cloud turns out to be a plague of flies which cause little inconvenience (locusts are apparently in short supply), probably they're used to them out in the desert. But the living dead are a more pressing danger, and seem to be gaining the upper hand. Their predictable quest is the unborn child, who is apparently saviour of the human kind.

All this leads to a confrontation between the rebellious Archangel Michael, who’s trying to save the baby; and his bitter enemy, the doomsday-charged Archangel Gabriel (Kevin Durand). They finally have to battle it out in a ludicrous bout with a hi-tech mace and designer armour rather than flaming swords, thus rewriting ‘The Book of Revelations’ with a cartload of holy hokum.

Helming this dubious plot, Scott Stewart tries his best yet gets seriously bogged down in long bursts of soporific pseudo-religious dialogue. Dennis Quaid (Vantage Point) and Charles S. Dutton (Fame) try to be more than cardboard cutouts, but again the script rather defeats their purpose. Paul Bettany (Creation) provides a suitably brooding dark figure, and Adrianne Palicki even manages a touch of sex appeal in her grubby outfits.

Special effects guys were clearly working double shifts to over-do the horror effects till they become laughable rather than scary. One creature seems to be grotesquely related to the distorted images in crazy mirrors at Luna Park. A lovely little girl morphing into a daemonic horror has the effrontery to call out ‘I just want to play with the baby’. The poor baby has to suffer such indignities and violent handling the fact it survives at all is the most miraculous achievement of the picture.

John Bale